Hey blog-readers. You all are a rare bunch and I want to start off this post by thanking you for reading my writing. Seriously, just the fact that you click on my blog website and take time out of your day to read my rants or thoughts is so amazing and I am very grateful for all of you.
This topic is going to be super deep, and will be very emotional for me to discuss, but in the end I think it will be really beneficial for me, so thank you all in advance for your support.
Anyway, today I wanted to write about things I wish I could’ve done differently in my life (but things that have taught me some really valuable lessons, so I am also glad I have experienced them). I’ll write these mostly in chronological order, with explanations.
- I wish I had a passion in elementary school.
I never did anything in elementary school that I was really proud of. I was really good at academics, but I never fit in with sports, music, or any other hobby that most people get attached to when they’re really young. I played soccer for a short time, but I never did anything in a group setting that I really fell in love with. I wish I had done dance classes, or art, or something else. Knowing what I know now about how kids learn way faster than adults, I wish I would have done something that made me part of a group. I even felt like an outcast at church, not really having any close friends or anything. I was scared to go to the middle school group because I didn’t known anybody and they were all really close. I know, that’s hard to believe coming from outgoing, friendly Elise, right? Well, it’s true. I never felt like I was part of anything in elementary school. I also struggled with (what I know now) as depression, so I was a little kid trying to live life yet I couldn’t sleep at night because I was dealing with something not all kids deal with.
- I wish I didn’t rush through high school.
This one is a little bit contradictory. Many of you know I graduated high school when I was only 16 years old, which is totally awesome and something that everyone responds to positively (no, I was not home schooled). Unfortunately, I went to a high school that did not have sports/clubs/organizations readily available for me to join, and I had the dance company, but I pretty much rushed through high school and didn’t get to graduate with my own class and share the experience of going to college with my classmates for the first year. I took college and high school classes online while I was still in high school, AND I worked at Chick-fil-A. I busted my butt and got it over with, only to go to college and have no idea what I wanted to do. I was in such a rush to grow up that I didn’t stop to be ME and go for the things I wanted to go for.
- I wish I picked a program/major that I LOVED.
I’m gonna be real with you guys, I was a dance major for my first semester of school. I thought I loved dance, and I still do, and I always will, but I was MISERABLE. I felt like a major outcast, and I was depressed and upset every single day of being a dance major. Of course, I did not know what else to do, so I just took classes that I knew would go towards an English degree, and figured my fate would be teaching in a classroom for the rest of my life, being underpaid and never having time to myself. I took a teaching class that I did not love, and realized I didn’t want to be a teacher. Then I found SIGN LANGUAGE. I took 4 semesters of that and now I know it’s what I want to do with my life. It’s sad to say this, but now that I know what I want to do, I feel like I have wasted 4 years going to Arizona State where I got into $30,000 worth of debt even with a FULL tuition scholarship. I know that everything happens for a reason, but sometimes I just feel like I’ve wasted so much time here when I could have been kicking butt somewhere else.
- I wish I embraced myself sooner.
In elementary school and middle school, I wore super baggy clothes and was very affected by what people thought of me. A boy (whose name I remember but will not post because of privacy purposes) told me I had hairy legs in FIFTH grade. FIFTH GRADE! I was 11 years old, and I started shaving my legs because of this jerk. I was bullied in elementary school for BEING WHITE, BEING SKINNY, and BEING SMART. Last time I checked, none of those things were negative. All arbitrary. In fact, being smart is a positive thing. In middle school, I was always jealous of the girls with nice hair and clothes, and I had a pimply face and braces, but you know what? A sweet, genuine boy had a crush on me, for ME, and I wouldn’t give him the time of day. Unfortunately, that boy passed away in 9th grade long after we stopped talking, and I never got a chance to tell him how much I appreciated his genuine and caring heart. In high school, I was over the top and crazy. I wore loud colors, died my hair, and went to concerts. I wanted attention from boys, all the time, but I was very conservative and never had a serious boyfriend til I graduated high school. I wish I had been more confident, I wish I had been 100% me, all of the time. I wrestled with myself so often, and I was in turmoil for all of high school. I cried a lot, I spent a lot of time alone, I did crazy things just to feel alive. But none of it was wonderful, just all passing time.
- I wish I wasn’t such a people pleaser.
I am now 20 years old, and I am JUST NOW realizing how special and precious I am. I am a valuable human being and I never should put myself in a situation where people put me down, patronize me, or make me feel inferior. I was going to join the military because my dad wanted me to. I went to college for my parents. I was going to drop out of school because of a bad influence boyfriend. I have changed little and big parts of me to please people or to fit in, and that is never okay. One big proud moment in life for me was when I cut off ALL my hair into a pixie cut. My boyfriend at the time literally STOPPED calling me beautiful and saying I love you. My hair was that important to him, and cutting it off showed me what a superficial jerk he was. Go me. 2 years later, I am still learning. I just have to be patient with myself.
- I wish I didn’t lose my virginity to a person who didn’t love me.
If you’re uncomfortable reading about this, you should just go now. I don’t want you reading about something this deep and personal about me if you are going to make any kind of judgmental remarks or think of me differently. Basically, this person lied to me, making me believe he wanted to wait until marriage for physical intimacy. Then, when I fell head over heels for him, he gave me an ultimatum and said “if you love me, you’ll sleep with me”. I wish I had been stronger. I wish I hadn’t let him take advantage of me. I wish I ran as far away as I could, right when he said that. But I didn’t, and now I am learning what it is like to be in a healthy physical relationship where the person does not force you (WHICH IS RAPE, BY THE WAY, whether physically forcing you or emotionally manipulating you) to do physical things if you do not want to. Many, MANY of my issues stem from the way this man treated me.
- I wish I hadn’t let him (or anyone) take advantage of my forgiveness.
Seriously, I think the nice people in the world have some of the saddest things happen to them, and I have had some horrible luck with my love life and the way men have treated me. I have been cheated on, in one of the most brutal forms of betrayal and hurt. I have been lied to and messed with and manipulated. I have had men almost force me physically (when you say NO, it means NO) to do things I didn’t want to do, and I forgave all of those things and stayed in the relationship. I might have thought it was selfless, and part of it was me wanting to forgive, but part of me just didn’t want to let go.
- I wish I saw my beauty a little bit sooner.
Just a quick shout out to my incredible boyfriend who has loved me so sweetly over the past 5 months- we have only been together for half a year but he has already shown me much more love than any person has ever shown me. I cry when I think about this, because it is so humbling to have a person on this earth choose ME to love. I am confident and I know I am beautiful, with or without makeup, with or without glasses, cute clothes or not, from head to toe, but I didn’t always see that. I always thought my feet were big and I always worried about my thighs jiggling, (which is ridiculous, I weigh 125 pounds) or my freckles, or my acne, or just my scars being too ugly. I have learned that every person is unique and there is NOT ONE standard for beauty that covers all. Beauty is being yourself, it is not based on outer appearance. The bible even says, man looks at the outer appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart. Now, when I look in the mirror, I am confident because I am ME, not because my hair is nice or my makeup looks good. Those things are fun, but not central to being beautiful. Having a kind and tender heart is beautiful. Being genuine is beautiful, not having perfect skin or hair or nails or a gorgeous body.
- I wish I hadn’t argued so much about religion.
In high school, I feel like I burned a lot of bridges by arguing about beliefs with people. I realized shortly after high school that all of those arguments are nonsensical and very, very immature, and I wish I had just respectfully disagreed with people and hadn’t started a war via text messages or Facebook comments. Being the hands and feet of Jesus means you hold yourself to a high standard of love and caring for people, and I wasn’t the best at that. I was a huge hypocrite, and sometimes I catch myself still being a hypocrite in many ways. That is why I have separated myself almost completely from organized religion. I have a relationship with God, and that is all that matters. Going to church doesn’t save you, people.
- I wish I would stop limiting myself.
This is something I have gotten better at, for sure. But I still feel like I hold myself back from doing/saying/thinking about many things, and I just want to GO for it and stop feeling like I don’t have enough time. I am 20 years old, and I am going to live for at least 60 more years, so I need to stop living so carefully and safely and start taking initiative and going for things that I want, which is part of the reason why I’m moving to Boston (other than the man who is waiting for me there, I can’t wait to be with him all of the time <3) I digress, I want to be all that I can be without feeling like I need to DO more. I want to do what I want to do, not what I feel obligated to do. 2016 is going to be my year. I am moving to Boston, graduating college, and I am going to finally do something that makes me happy, for ME.
You all are so amazing, thank you for reading my endless blog posts and supporting me through this crazy journey called life. I hope my little wishes got you thinking about things you’d like to do in the future to break the cycle or to make your life a little bit happier, cause that’s what we’re here for, right?