Everything At Once

Lately I have been fighting with myself about what God is doing with my life. I feel trapped. I want to finish my degree, but I would rather work full time and save to go on missions trips. I want to drop out and pay off my loans and not ever think about college again. Not because it is too hard or because I am one to give up, but because I do not like to waste my time doing something I don’t love. This year, I have faced challenges that I have been anticipating for the larger part of my teenage life. I moved out of my parents house at the age of 17, started college a year early, got my first tattoos, got an apartment, started paying bills and rent, got a credit card, bought a car, got a real adult job, read through the entire bible (almost finished, one more month!) and learned how to juggle all of this along with my wonderful boyfriend Anthony. All of this has taught me one thing: I don’t want to work 20 years and then retire. I want to do so much more than be stuck in one place forever. Don’t get me wrong, I am not a lazy person. I am content working to earn the things I have and things I want, but thinking about working 20 years for the same people is not appealing to me. It’s scary. Maybe this sounds drastic, but that sounds like prison to me. You have to do your time to be able to retire and rest. So basically, I went to school for these past 18 years so that I could get a job, work 20 more years towards nothing, then retire to do more of nothing. Again, don’t misunderstand. I think knowledge is valuable and this society is already unintelligent enough, but I strongly believe in the pursuit of dreams no matter what the odds are.

I want to be a mom, I want to be a missionary, I want to learn an instrument and be good at it. I want to tour with bands and minister to people. I want to share the gospel. I want to see the United States. I want to inspire people to do art. I want to teach deaf kids. I want to work with drug addicts and alcoholics and help them come out of their dark time in life. I want to get married and settle down. I want to never fit the stereotype of a typical family. I want more tattoos. I want to defy the “Christian” norm of being clean cut and proper. I want to support small businesses. I want to be a good dancer. I want to perform. I want to experience this creation that God has given us. I want people to actually read my blog and my tweets. I want to be and feel and see and experience everything at once.

My dreams are not outrageous. I don’t think I hold my expectations too high. God can do all of this and MORE in my life. The only problem for me is the people around me and the expectations THEY hold for me.

Getting a degree is now the “way to success”. I think that’s a load of BS. I will honestly admit there are two reasons I am going to college: 1. I got a scholarship that covers tuition. 2. It is something to fall back on.

It is safe to say that after being in school my whole life, I am tired of it and I no longer want to be where I am. Although that is the case, though, God has been working on my heart and I believe He is keeping me in school for a reason. There is more for me to learn here at ASU, apparently! I was dreading next semester about a week ago, but now I am excited for it. I am taking American Sign Language and Beginning Piano on campus, and those are the two classes I am looking forward to the most. Also, my SOC 390 (sociology in statistics) teacher emailed me telling me I am one of her top students and she wants me to be part of a research team next semester. Blessings continue to pour out onto my life and hopefully they will for the next two years while I finish off this degree (God willing!).

The point of this blog was mostly just organize my thoughts, and remember how there is a time for everything and that my time is never wasted as long as what I am doing is glorifying the Lord. With that being said, I am going to go find my bucket list and start checking things off of it!




One thought on “Everything At Once

  1. Eli, I read this. I really couldn’t have said it better myself. I can’t stand school. I went. I did the university thing – I did the community college thing – and I am so discouraged and yet tourn at the same time between doing what makes me happy and making everyone else “proud” when I walk across the stage and get that piece of paper. I’m tired of making people proud. I want to make God proud – and I think I do that just fine working 35 hours a week a chipotle. Doesn’t mean I want to stay there forever it means my hearts in it. And my hearts in tune with Jesus so I take him there too.

    Love you! Thanks for sharing your heart beautiful.

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