If you really knew me

About 2 years ago, (at the young age of 15) I was given an opportunity to sit down and write an “If you really knew me.” This is intended to help you see who you really are, from your perspective.  Then, you share it with others in an attempt to stop bottling up feelings.  Since that time, I have stumbled across what I wrote and compared it to who I am today, and, as expected, I had remained exactly the same… up until recently.

Approximately three months ago I met some people who seemed unimportant at the time, but would become very important in my life in the following period. These people do not know their importance, in fact, from what I have seen and heard from them, I am almost positive they want nothing to do with me. ANYWHO, I am forever grateful for them, because they stimulated a sort of.. epiphany. They shall remain unnamed, but I’m sure they and my close friends will know who they are. I’ll come back to them a little later but for now let me show you what I wrote on that fine fall day of November 6th, 2010. Here it is:

Eliselini, Ellie, Lise, Lisey, Leesie geese, Goose, Noodles, Pop tart, Pyro, Giddy, Schizo, Sissy, Aurora, Pink panther, Skinny minnie

….

If you really knew me, you’d know that I analyze everything.  You’d know that what you see is not what you get, that i’ve been through more than I let on, I don’t ask for peoples pity, and I don’t force people to like me.  You’d know I’m extremely critical and hard on myself, I don’t believe people when they compliment me, and I won’t take something if I don’t deserve it.

That dance is my passion and I strive to excel in everything I do!

If you really knew me, you’d know that in fourth grade when my teacher told me I couldn’t be good at everything, I became determined to be good at everything.  Even though I look happy, and act happy, i’m usually not.  If you really knew me you’d know it’s because I stay strong for the people around me, and try to make others smile when I cannot.  You’d know that I love everyone, and hate to see anyone in pain.

You’d know that even though my life looks perfect it’s been a rollercoaster and i’ve been tossed off many times.  That i’ve been through emotional, physical, and mental pain, my entire life.  You’d know that I treasure each and every one of my friendships.  That when someone hurts me I feel sorry for them, instead of myself.  That I forgive people no matter what they do.  You’d know that some of those people take advantage of my forgiving nature.  You’d also know that I take everything out on myself.  If you REALLY knew me, you’d know that I don’t like taking from others, so I try my hardest to earn things myself.  You’d know that I laugh when i’m sad, smile when i’m in pain, and hate myself when i’m angry.

You’d know that I have a hard time trusting others.  You’d know that my dreams are so high, i’m not even sure I can achieve them.  You’d know that I feel obligated to apologize even when something isn’t my fault.  That i’ve been treated like a rag doll and have the scars to prove it.  That i’ll do dangerous things just to get a rush.  You’d know that I feel like i’m not doing enough to help the world.  You’d know that I can’t wait to grow up.  You’d know that I have good intentions, but sometimes I hurt those I love with those good intentions, and in the end they thank me.  You’d know that I will always be straight up with you.

You’d know that I see myself as far from perfect.  That I am optimistic about others but pessimistic about myself.  That I would die for my family.  That I am encouraging to others but never take my own advice.  That when someone insults me I believe them, and you’d know, if you really knew me, that I can see through fakers, liars, cheaters and jerks because i’ve spent my life around them and worse.

Now, the naivety of half of these things BLOWS my mind, honestly.  BUT, by the time you reach 11 years of age, 87% of your adult personality has been formed.  (I am now almost 18) So, what I would like to do is write a NEW if you really knew me, keeping parts that are true, nixing parts that have changed, adding new things I’ve discovered, and explaining HOW these details have changed.

First of all, I have had many, many nicknames. 90% of them are no longer used, but if you REALLY know me, you probably call me Leesie without shame.  Each of my friends has a separate nickname for me, and I value each of them.

If you really knew me, you’d know that I analyze everything.  You’d know that what you see is not what you get, that i’ve been through more than I let on, I don’t ask for peoples pity, and I don’t force people to like me.  You’d know that even through a life of insecurity, discontentment, and doubt in myself and in the things around me, I have found happiness, love, trust, and most of all beauty in myself.

That dance is my passion and I strive to excel in everything I do!  If you really knew me, you’d know that in fourth grade when my teacher told me I couldn’t be good at everything, I became determined to be good at everything.

You’d know that I AM happy every single day, and even though at times I am disappointed or angry, I have gotten past the depression that I once knew so well.  Here’s not to say that I am never sad, or never feel like I am slipping back into depression- but I ALWAYS remind myself of how horrible it was and I am firm and strong in my belief that happiness is a choice, and I have chosen it.

If you really knew me you’d know I stay strong for the people around me, and try to make others smile even when they decide they hate me.   You’d know that I love everyone, and hate to see anyone in pain.  You’d know that even though my life looks perfect it’s been a rollercoaster and i’ve been tossed off many times, BUT I know that my wounds have made me stronger (physically, too, I was always in and out of the emergency room as a kid)

That i’ve been through emotional, physical, and mental pain, my entire life. Although this doesn’t make my life any tougher than anyone else’s, it is a fact and it goes to show that even the people who are the most rooted and grounded have had struggles.

You’d know that I treasure each and every one of my friendships.  That when someone hurts me I feel sorry for them, and forgive them almost instantly, no matter what.   You’d know that alot of those people take advantage of my forgiving nature.  You’d also know that I am very hard on myself, which has helped me succeed in many things thus far.   If you REALLY knew me, you’d know that I don’t like taking from others, so I try my hardest to earn things myself.  You’d know that I laugh when i’m sad, smile when i’m in pain, and very VERY rarely get angry.

You’d know that it is incredibly easy for me to let go of something that is hurting me, but it is exceedingly difficult to not know WHY I was not good enough for that person/thing.   You’d know that my dreams are so high, I was never sure I could achieve them.   You’d know that I feel obligated to apologize even when something isn’t my fault.  That i’ve been treated like a rag doll and have the scars to prove it.  That I am completely FEARLESS, because a life full of fear is a life empty of love and experience. You’d know that I want to change the world some day.

You’d know that I can’t wait to grow up (in the literal sense; I will always be a child at heart).  You’d know that I have good intentions, but sometimes am too stubborn to realize when people don’t want my help.   You’d know that I will always be straight up with you.  You’d know that I see myself as far from perfect.  That I see the good in everyone, and it is very difficult for me to see fault in others.

That I would die for my family.  That I am wholeheartedly willing to help you in whatever way necessary to ensure your happiness.   You’d know, if you really knew me, that I can see through fakers, liars, cheaters and jerks because i’ve spent my life around them and worse.  You’d know that sometimes I ignore when I see a lying, faking, cheating heart because my love is blind and decides to shut out all the negative things about people around me.

You would know that I am confident in who I am, and I will never change for someone elses benefit. That I know I am a beautiful creation of the most high God and that I am just passing through this Earth.

You would know most of all, that I fear no plague, horror, or evil, and that I CHALLENGE death, because it cannot take a child of God.

SO back to those people that I met recently.  One in particular is very popular in the state I live in, and in talking to and getting to know this person, I have learned that I have been a confident soul all along, I was just always crippled by the fear that I would become someone I am not. Once I overcame my FEARS, I realized the beauty within. Not beauty of the flesh or bone, but of the heart.  Beauty that I hope others see, the beauty of God’s light shining through me. 

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