Month: September 2012

Dance

So alot of you know how I was going to join the military to run away from all of these trials in life, but that I decided to stay because I want to follow my dream, dance.

Even if I end up as a dance teacher teaching little 5 year olds everyday, I will be happy.

But for right now, I would like to share all the reasons why I love dance and continue to pursue it throughout my teenage years and hopefully extending into my adult life.

1. THE MUSIC!!!! Music has always been my life, I got my first Ipod when I was 10 and got so frustrated when it reached full capacity, because I could fill an Ipod with 20,000 songs and still want to have more.

2. Physical expression. I’ve always been a verbal person, and I have always been insecure about my body and looks, but since I started dancing, I began to throw away all those insecurities and started to use performance as a way to gain confidence. I love using the very limbs that God made for me to paint a picture, so to speak, for whomever is watching my choreography or even just me dancing someone elses choreography. To end that off, I am no longer insecure and I am fully confident and happy with my body.

3. Injuries. This sounds silly, because who likes getting hurt, right? MEEEE! My entire life I would come home with bruises, broken bones, cuts, burns, etc. I’ve always been a daredevil. To this day, my grown college student self still climbs trees and walks on walls and hops fences. Thuglyfe. But honestly, dance has been my way to let out all that energy that has been pulsing through my veins since I came into the world. I can say I have trusted my dance partner to catch me and they didn’t. I have been dropped on my head, kicked, smacked, punched, and scratched by other dancers. I have broken bones during rehearsal and gone on stage performing with a broken bone. I have had chunks of hair ripped out of my head by a dancer stepping on my head. I have come home with a swollen forehead from falling straight onto my face in dance. I have endured ripped muscles, pinched nerves, bruises, floor burns, smashed toes, and most of all, soreness from working out everyday. I have become the dance teacher because the actual dance teacher missed two classes (out of three) a week. I have performed an entire dance concert with a cast on my arm, refusing to sit out of ANY dance because that’s how stubborn I am. Did I forget to mention that another dancer caused my broken bone? Yeah, I’ve been through hell and back with dance, and I would do it again 100 times if I had to. I am proud of all my scars and I am ready to take on anything else the dance world has to throw at me.

4. Beauty and passion. Dance makes me feel beautiful. The most amazing thing in the world is to have an audience watching you and clapping for you and at the end when people personally come up to you and tell you how much they enjoyed it. It is the most wonderful feeling in the world to pour your heart out all over the stage and then see so many people accepting your story and supporting your love and passion. That is what I live for. The artistry, the pain, the joy, the passion, the incredible physical, mental, and emotional strain yet peace there is in dance. I love all the bad and good, all the competition and all the beauty.

5. Teaching & learning. LEARNING is my favorite thing to do in life. I love to learn. I love knowing things, and using them to create new things. I love coming up with ideas from what I’ve learned, and perfecting things I’ve learned. I love the sweat, blood, and tears that come along with being a dancer. I love teaching as well. Looking into the eyes of young dancers and showing them what to do and how to do it, and watching their incredible twist and emotion that they put into MY created movements. The music mixed with the passion and the diversity is just overwhelming and makes me want to do cartwheels repeatedly til my brain spins.

So. That’s why I love dance, I hope you at least partially understand how dancers feel now.

You’ll never fully understand until you are in our shoes (pointe, of course) because it is what you make it, and no two dancers are the same.

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Rant of the day

So today we’re going to talk about dipshits. No, I’m not talking about literal stupidity. I’m talking about those who are smart enough to know the right choice, but dumb enough not to choose it. No, I’m not talking about the guy at starbucks who charged you for a venti when you ordered a grande. I’m talking about the guy who “loves you” but cheated on you yesterday with that pretty brunette he says is “just a friend”. 

 

There’s a difference.

But YOLO right? 

Wrong. 

Don’t you wish you could just arrest people for being cheaters, liars, and fakes? 

Wellllllll you can’t. Unfortunately, these people continue on in their miserable misdeeds for -probably- their entire lives, and while you’re sitting there counting on them to “realize their mistake” they aren’t. They may have felt a momentary sprinkle of guilt, but overall they are just basking in the victory. Cause they win, you know? I mean, you’re the idiot who trusted them right? The one who would have given anything just for their happiness, but were tossed to the side like a piece of garbage. OR MAYBE, maybe they’re still using you. Or maybe they had no intent of using you at all. Whichever way, it doesn’t matter. Know why? BECAUSE THEY DON’T CARE. It does not matter to them. They are content going on the same way in their lives, trampling all over everyone because they. don’t. care. 

Oh, but they’ve been hurt in the past haven’t they? The classic story of a bully- someone who got picked on his/her entire life that has decided they are done being at the bottom of the food chain.

So here we are, sinking into the stereotype of settling for someone who will hurt you. As a mother, lover, friend, or otherwise. Kindness takes over the abused because of their forgiving nature, and the circle repeats, over and over and over again. 

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE:

 

The glorious part of all this is the few who are not phased by all the bull, the ones who come out of these situations and recover every single time! No matter how many inconsiderate fake IDIOTS hurt them. The people who get taken advantage of because of their kindness. In the end,  it’s all worth it. All those fairy tales, all the stories with happy endings.. the storytellers failed to mention the harsh trials the protagonist went through before they achieved the ultimate prize. Happiness. And let’s not forget love. It is the greatest of these things, is it not? 

Don’t stop loving. Don’t settle. And don’t let the dipsticks think they’ve won. Because they’ve just won a small battle. You, though? You’re going to win the war. 

Decisions

So, what i’ve been noticing about myself lately is the decisions I make. I’m pretty good at letting go of people who have hurt me, but in the end something about them always rubs off on me. Every single person that I have loved/cared about, all my past best friends, boyfriends, guys I’ve liked.. every one of them has inspired me to do something or decide something. Even ones that I still talk to and am friends with. 

For example, Mercedes helped me realize how hard it is for us God-following females to NOT date guys who aren’t walking with God. She inspired me to be patient and through her & my experiences, I’ve learned to be patient and say “okay god, he’s not right for me” when he tells me to let go. 

Kylie inspired me to continue writing, and to not be afraid of sharing things I’ve written. 

Michelle inspired me to draw if I love it, BECAUSE I love it. 

Vincent got me into tattoos and hardcore music

Travis inspired me to name my future daughter “ruby alice”

Ethan taught me about straight edge and I decided to claim it

Tre taught me about vegetarianism and I am considering it. It’s been 10 days without meat, and I’m loving vegetarian life. After 20 more days I’ll decide whether or not I wanna keep it that way. Who knows, right?

These are just a few; there are literally sooo many people who’ve contributed to my personality, helped me become who I am today. I love it though. I love looking back and saying “our friendship/relationship didn’t work, but you taught me valuable lessons and you showed me things I was missing out on before. thank you.” And all those people who claim I “change” for others? Ignorance is a terrible thing.. unfortunately there’s no direct cure for it. Open your mind and stop listening to what everyone tells you. Nobody tells me to do these things. I decide on my own. If you are in any way close to me, you know that I am way too stubborn to accept things that I don’t agree with. I’m stoked about my life and I’m ready to make changes and do things differently in order to make myself happy. I’m becoming who God created me to be, one step at a time, every day. 

I always find positive things out of hurtful situations. -shrug- it’s in my nature. 

ANYWAY! Super stoked about my decision to go to ASU this upcoming semester, I’ve been waiting so very long. Tempe, here I come! 

If you want me, try and take me. ~Hawk Nelson

Doors Of Time

Ending dubious relations, I do not fear death

Your silence is striking, uncanny belief in the hopeless divine

A wolf in sheep’s clothing, the knight’s unholy betrayer

What’s passed is past but does not hold

The futures treasures which pirates not know

For one man will reap what your shipwreck sowed

Fiery flight blessed creature will be reborn

Through ashes beauty arises, behold

You cannot curtail her freedom from dark purposes

Love is her protector

Her faith will murder your doubt without relent

An unfinished inscription brings prying hands

But the untouchable creation burns the fool

False pretenses of care

Eternity and fire are as thick as thieves

Only in those darkest hearts

Arizona Creatures

Okay, so I recently moved into a new (very, very old) house in the small town of Florence.  Unfortunately, I have not been attending school in person this semester (online), so I’ve been stuck at home all day. I’ve been handling the loneliness, the solitude, the crazy sleeping schedule, and the fact that there is SO MUCH FREE TIME BUT NOTHING TO DO. What has been driving me insane is these God awful creatures that make noise ALL DAY LONG. The rain is fine. Thunder is something I can deal with. I enjoy it, actually. But the plant outside my window scratches on the glass like nails on a chalkboard. The neighbor seems to have a copious amount of ducks, because I hear quacking all day long, an owl must live in a tree nearby because I am always hearing incessant “hoo”ing, and the CRICKETS. THE CRICKETS HAUNT MY NIGHTMARES.

I’m not being dramatic, I promise. You try being cooped up in a little house of white walls, home alone all day every day. Might as well be home alone all night, too, because nobody ever gets here at a decent hour. All I have is WordPress, Itunes, Pandora, and Fyeah tattoos. Oh, and occasionally Casey comes and kidnaps me. She’s my only friend, not even kidding. I’m lonely. And emotional from being so far from human interaction for so long. I feel like I’m in a cage. January, please come faster.. 

Ducks and crickets and owls and trees…

You know things are bad when I rip tree branches off with my bare hands cause I can’t find the garden shears. Not to mention the ginormous thorns up and down the entire tree. Yeah, ouch. 

I have resorted to talking to myself through this website. The only human companionship I have is myself. Note sarcasm, I’m really not a debbie downer.

Patiently awaiting the day that someone comes into my life and doesn’t walk out of it right when I start caring for them. 

Point being, the damned creatures in this desert state are plotting my demise, by slowly driving me up the wall. 

Sorry about the rambling.

Story of a Girl Who

I’m beginning to grow tired of the games people try and play.  In the past nine months (in 2012), I have had TWO guys straight up tell me they like me then out of nowhere drop me like they never knew me in the first place.  The first time this happened, in February, I reacted in an immature way and told him never to speak to me again. I later apologized, because I can’t stay mad for long at all. Now, I don’t know what I do to make this happen. I’m not clingy; I don’t stalk the guys for God’s sake. To be honest with you, dear worldwide web (even though nobody will read this, willing to bet), I would like to know what is wrong with me? What is so awful about me that causes a guy to just decide, “nope, never going to talk to her again.” “Who?” “Oh yeah, her.” “That girl you liked last week?” “Yeah, I’m not going to talk to her anymore.” 

 

Well, anywho, this has made me decide to NEVER EVER let a guy believe I like him (if I don’t). If I like you, I will tell you. Straight up, no bullshit. If you don’t know, and you get impatient with me, you can ask me and I will tell you. One thing I will NOT do, is tell you I like you, if I won’t date you in the future. I will not lead you on. I’m old fashioned. I use the word “handsome”. I will only use that towards a guy I like, without exception. Giving me false hope is the absolute WORST thing you could do to me. So congratulations, you two, for being the unexplained abandonment cases.

 

I’m not bitter. I’m happy. I still love those two boys to death, because that’s just who I am. & I don’t hate men, because all women need to face the fact that there are good and honest guys out there, and that maybe, just maybe the guys that they have come in contact with, will become good and honest men. Time will only tell. One thing I refuse to do, though, is wait for someone who won’t even give me the time of day. I did my waiting, 8 months of it when I was head over heels for someone who wanted nothing to do with me. There was a sad ending, which seems to be a reoccurring thing in my love life. 

The story of a girl who.. I can’t finish that. You can’t tell your story until it’s complete, can you? 

If you really knew me

About 2 years ago, (at the young age of 15) I was given an opportunity to sit down and write an “If you really knew me.” This is intended to help you see who you really are, from your perspective.  Then, you share it with others in an attempt to stop bottling up feelings.  Since that time, I have stumbled across what I wrote and compared it to who I am today, and, as expected, I had remained exactly the same… up until recently.

Approximately three months ago I met some people who seemed unimportant at the time, but would become very important in my life in the following period. These people do not know their importance, in fact, from what I have seen and heard from them, I am almost positive they want nothing to do with me. ANYWHO, I am forever grateful for them, because they stimulated a sort of.. epiphany. They shall remain unnamed, but I’m sure they and my close friends will know who they are. I’ll come back to them a little later but for now let me show you what I wrote on that fine fall day of November 6th, 2010. Here it is:

Eliselini, Ellie, Lise, Lisey, Leesie geese, Goose, Noodles, Pop tart, Pyro, Giddy, Schizo, Sissy, Aurora, Pink panther, Skinny minnie

….

If you really knew me, you’d know that I analyze everything.  You’d know that what you see is not what you get, that i’ve been through more than I let on, I don’t ask for peoples pity, and I don’t force people to like me.  You’d know I’m extremely critical and hard on myself, I don’t believe people when they compliment me, and I won’t take something if I don’t deserve it.

That dance is my passion and I strive to excel in everything I do!

If you really knew me, you’d know that in fourth grade when my teacher told me I couldn’t be good at everything, I became determined to be good at everything.  Even though I look happy, and act happy, i’m usually not.  If you really knew me you’d know it’s because I stay strong for the people around me, and try to make others smile when I cannot.  You’d know that I love everyone, and hate to see anyone in pain.

You’d know that even though my life looks perfect it’s been a rollercoaster and i’ve been tossed off many times.  That i’ve been through emotional, physical, and mental pain, my entire life.  You’d know that I treasure each and every one of my friendships.  That when someone hurts me I feel sorry for them, instead of myself.  That I forgive people no matter what they do.  You’d know that some of those people take advantage of my forgiving nature.  You’d also know that I take everything out on myself.  If you REALLY knew me, you’d know that I don’t like taking from others, so I try my hardest to earn things myself.  You’d know that I laugh when i’m sad, smile when i’m in pain, and hate myself when i’m angry.

You’d know that I have a hard time trusting others.  You’d know that my dreams are so high, i’m not even sure I can achieve them.  You’d know that I feel obligated to apologize even when something isn’t my fault.  That i’ve been treated like a rag doll and have the scars to prove it.  That i’ll do dangerous things just to get a rush.  You’d know that I feel like i’m not doing enough to help the world.  You’d know that I can’t wait to grow up.  You’d know that I have good intentions, but sometimes I hurt those I love with those good intentions, and in the end they thank me.  You’d know that I will always be straight up with you.

You’d know that I see myself as far from perfect.  That I am optimistic about others but pessimistic about myself.  That I would die for my family.  That I am encouraging to others but never take my own advice.  That when someone insults me I believe them, and you’d know, if you really knew me, that I can see through fakers, liars, cheaters and jerks because i’ve spent my life around them and worse.

Now, the naivety of half of these things BLOWS my mind, honestly.  BUT, by the time you reach 11 years of age, 87% of your adult personality has been formed.  (I am now almost 18) So, what I would like to do is write a NEW if you really knew me, keeping parts that are true, nixing parts that have changed, adding new things I’ve discovered, and explaining HOW these details have changed.

First of all, I have had many, many nicknames. 90% of them are no longer used, but if you REALLY know me, you probably call me Leesie without shame.  Each of my friends has a separate nickname for me, and I value each of them.

If you really knew me, you’d know that I analyze everything.  You’d know that what you see is not what you get, that i’ve been through more than I let on, I don’t ask for peoples pity, and I don’t force people to like me.  You’d know that even through a life of insecurity, discontentment, and doubt in myself and in the things around me, I have found happiness, love, trust, and most of all beauty in myself.

That dance is my passion and I strive to excel in everything I do!  If you really knew me, you’d know that in fourth grade when my teacher told me I couldn’t be good at everything, I became determined to be good at everything.

You’d know that I AM happy every single day, and even though at times I am disappointed or angry, I have gotten past the depression that I once knew so well.  Here’s not to say that I am never sad, or never feel like I am slipping back into depression- but I ALWAYS remind myself of how horrible it was and I am firm and strong in my belief that happiness is a choice, and I have chosen it.

If you really knew me you’d know I stay strong for the people around me, and try to make others smile even when they decide they hate me.   You’d know that I love everyone, and hate to see anyone in pain.  You’d know that even though my life looks perfect it’s been a rollercoaster and i’ve been tossed off many times, BUT I know that my wounds have made me stronger (physically, too, I was always in and out of the emergency room as a kid)

That i’ve been through emotional, physical, and mental pain, my entire life. Although this doesn’t make my life any tougher than anyone else’s, it is a fact and it goes to show that even the people who are the most rooted and grounded have had struggles.

You’d know that I treasure each and every one of my friendships.  That when someone hurts me I feel sorry for them, and forgive them almost instantly, no matter what.   You’d know that alot of those people take advantage of my forgiving nature.  You’d also know that I am very hard on myself, which has helped me succeed in many things thus far.   If you REALLY knew me, you’d know that I don’t like taking from others, so I try my hardest to earn things myself.  You’d know that I laugh when i’m sad, smile when i’m in pain, and very VERY rarely get angry.

You’d know that it is incredibly easy for me to let go of something that is hurting me, but it is exceedingly difficult to not know WHY I was not good enough for that person/thing.   You’d know that my dreams are so high, I was never sure I could achieve them.   You’d know that I feel obligated to apologize even when something isn’t my fault.  That i’ve been treated like a rag doll and have the scars to prove it.  That I am completely FEARLESS, because a life full of fear is a life empty of love and experience. You’d know that I want to change the world some day.

You’d know that I can’t wait to grow up (in the literal sense; I will always be a child at heart).  You’d know that I have good intentions, but sometimes am too stubborn to realize when people don’t want my help.   You’d know that I will always be straight up with you.  You’d know that I see myself as far from perfect.  That I see the good in everyone, and it is very difficult for me to see fault in others.

That I would die for my family.  That I am wholeheartedly willing to help you in whatever way necessary to ensure your happiness.   You’d know, if you really knew me, that I can see through fakers, liars, cheaters and jerks because i’ve spent my life around them and worse.  You’d know that sometimes I ignore when I see a lying, faking, cheating heart because my love is blind and decides to shut out all the negative things about people around me.

You would know that I am confident in who I am, and I will never change for someone elses benefit. That I know I am a beautiful creation of the most high God and that I am just passing through this Earth.

You would know most of all, that I fear no plague, horror, or evil, and that I CHALLENGE death, because it cannot take a child of God.

SO back to those people that I met recently.  One in particular is very popular in the state I live in, and in talking to and getting to know this person, I have learned that I have been a confident soul all along, I was just always crippled by the fear that I would become someone I am not. Once I overcame my FEARS, I realized the beauty within. Not beauty of the flesh or bone, but of the heart.  Beauty that I hope others see, the beauty of God’s light shining through me.